A message from Dr. Solomon:
To My Dear Families,
This Coronavirus pandemic is hitting home. It has been weeks now. The schools are closed. Almost everyone is living in isolation in close quarters. We’re all worried we’re going to get it. I’m getting anxious phone calls from the families in my practice. Children with autism are especially affected because they have trouble adapting to change and routines have been disrupted. Children with high functioning autism are prone to anxiety. The pandemic is scaring them; they are having sleep problems, nightmares, anxiety, and regression in behavior. Parents are understandably overwhelmed with the demands of having children at home and worrying about income, jobs, and getting sick or exposing the grandparents. I feel for you all. So, here is some of the advice I have been giving to my families (along with some resources) that I hope will help you survive and maybe even thrive during these trying times…
First, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ for your children. Take a deep breath, calm yourself, and take realistic stock of your situation. If you are upset and anxious, your children are more likely to be upset and anxious. Follow the ‘Serenity Prayer’ of Reinhold Niebuhr, the well-known theologian:
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
You cannot change the Coronavirus Pandemic, but there are things you can do to make sure you and your family are safe. I would recommend NOT watching TV news all day about COVID 19. It can be very scary and your child with autism will be understandably anxious and worried about your health and his/her family’s health. Higher functioning children might worry about the dangers of the virus including dying from it. Have the courage to talk about whatever is on your child’s mind. Practically speaking, I would shelter in place and keep your social distance (but socialize at a distance as much as possible!). There is wisdom in knowing the difference between too much information and useful information.
You cannot change being isolated, but you can start to reach out to your friends, family – especially grandparents, by phone, FaceTime, Skype, Zoom, and Facebook. This is an opportunity to change what you can. Maybe you could gather the courage to go out on your porches or lawns and play music for you neighbors or, at least, have your children makes signs that say, “I’m glad you’re my neighbor.”
In many ways this epidemic is forcing us to face ourselves and be with our family members in a way we haven’t had to in a long time. We are spending more time together. That’s a good thing. “O boy, I get to play with dad (or mom)!” Our lives are simpler because we can’t do what we normally do, but more complicated because we are so together and have little structure. Did I hear someone say, “What can I do about sibling rivalry?” Please view my 6 Rules for Sharing and Chapter 21 “Siblings With Rivalry” from my book Let’s look at our situation with courage and new eyes and change the things we can, okay? Here’s what I suggest.
First, embrace it. If you have to be at home alone together make it fun and be creative. Ask everybody (unless your child can’t tell you) what they want to do. Organize a plan and create a schedule together. We must be make an extra effort to plan. Make a schedule and keep to it (but be flexible, not rigid).Wake time and sleep time should be predictable. Meals should be organized and fun (See the webinar on Eating and Autism). Cook together. Have a schedule for learning and activities. Give purpose to your lives.
Some of my families are going for hikes and bike rides now that spring is upon us. Some of my families are pretending to play school. They have a picture schedule with times and activities with a desk and chair with a white board or paper on the wall. Include the internet for learning.
This is where playfulness comes in, where you can just follow your child’s leadand ideas, doing what they want. This is The PLAY Project way! We are making our “Welcome to The PLAY Project” course free with discount code SPRING20 (code extended until May 15th, 2020) to any family who wants to learn our principles, methods, techniques, and activities. Set aside a few ½ hour sessions of your ‘school schedule’ to just play and be silly and do The PLAY Project approach. Don’t worry so much about accomplishing anything educational.
Then, after you’ve had some fun following your child’s ideas, it’s time for your activity ideas. I’ve provided a handy dandy chart with scheduling tips from a fellow parent and a whole bunch of fun activities based on the child’s developmental level, drawn from The PLAY Project autism intervention program, that kids on the spectrum will like, including some academic activities for school age kids. Many of my kids who are higher functioning are doing school online. Join them and make it engaging and interesting. Discuss things if you can and get a conversation going. Get lots of back and forth interactions—what we call ‘circles of interaction’ (COCs) in The PLAY Project.
Add music, art, dance, theatre, drama, dress up, or (softly) sword fight! Make food together. Do chores. Keep to a rough schedule but don’t overdo it. Down time is good. Most children with autism like doing their own thing, but if your child needs something to do, go for puzzles, games, color by number, Legos, and playdoh. Get crafty. Give lots of hugs. Chase mom and wrestle dad or wrestle mom and chase dad!
Another thing you can control is screen time. Use it when YOU need a break or to do things around the house. A couple of hours a day is okay but during these down times there will be a tendency to ‘do what’s easiest’. Watch out, you might be promoting some very bad habits and even addictions that will be very hard to break later. Too much screen time can ruin family life where everyone is just vegged out and not interacting. Oh, and it’s okay to join your child in their screen time. Make some popcorn and watch videos and/or movies together. Just being with them and seeing what they find fun and interesting is important. If you are gentle and sensitive (and don’t take over!) they might let you in to their favorite video games and YouTube sites.
Finally, I always tell the parents to take good care of themselves. Remember, mom and dad, when you take care of yourselves, you are taking care of everyone else. Partners: share your feelings with each other. Listen to your children’s feeling and don’t try to make them feel better until after you have truly heard them. “I know you are worried. I hear you. We love you and are here for you.” Then you can be reassuring. In fact, the virus seems to be less harmful to children than adults. You can be honestly reassuring. For many families this will be the first time in a while where both mom and dad are home a lot. Divvy up the household tasks. Discuss the daily plan. Partners do your share. Ask for what you need. Take turns giving each other a break. Be kind and loving to each other and kiss in front of the children until they go ‘yuck!’.
Yes, this pandemic is surreal and apocalyptic but it’s not something we can control. Let’s have the energy and courage to control the things we can. I hope I’ve helped you to discover the difference.